Scott and I have a lot of work to do. We have both made mistakes. We both contributed to our separation. It wasn’t fully his fault and it wasn’t fully mine. It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to make a marriage fail. For a long time, I had trouble seeing my part in my marriages’ struggles. But as I began my cognitive behavioral therapy I realized that my anxiety played a huge part in our struggling marriage.
Anxiety is very hard to understand unless you have experienced it yourself. And as much as Scott wants to and tries to understand it, he never will understand it as well as I do myself. It has always been hard for me to talk to Scott about my anxiety. I’m scared that he sees it as a weakness and will cause him to think of me not the strong, independent military wife he needs. It’s much easier for me to confide in my mother about my anxiety struggles. And I know that is because she has struggled with anxiety herself. But this became a problem when I started to confide in my mother more than my husband. It started to build a distance between Scott and I. And our communication only took a downhill slide from there. I am starting to work on opening up to Scott more about my anxiety. I am trying to making a conscious effort to improve our communication.
Anxiety has essentially prevented me from being the kind of military wife that Scott needs me to be. My anxiety makes me reliant on others, specifically people I trust. One of the reasons I moved home during deployment was because I didn’t want to be alone. I have a constant fear that I won’t be able to handle my anxiety on my own. Anxiety and panic attacks are very uncomfortable. They make your body feel horrible. And I often need someone to help talk me down. My mom is great at this. She helps me move past the panic and return to a “normal” state. This prevents me from being the independent military wife that moves all over the country with her husband and takes control of the household in her husband’s absence. I want to be that kind of woman for my husband. But my anxiety drives me away from those anxiety inducing situations to places of comfort and support.
With the therapy, I am slowly learning that I am my own safe place. That I am completely capable of dealing with my anxiety.
These aren’t the only two problems in our marriage and dealing with my anxiety won’t solve all of our problems. But it is one step in the right direction.
I am some what the same, but my anxiety doesnt really come from being alone. Mine comes out in big decisions that I have to make. I get so worked up over something that I tend to start shaking and then throwing up. Its not a fun thing to go through. I do know mine started to get worse when Nathan deployed. It was easier to let him know about it though, he still kids with me when I start to get anxious over something and start getting red. He tells me though that things will be alright, and he is there to help me. I am glad ya’ll are working on things though, no relationships is perfect theres always bumps in the road. I know we have had multiple ones.
The past few years I’ve suffered from anxiety too so I know what you mean about not feeling like the Marine wife that your spouse needs you to be. I just recently started talking to John about the things that bring on my anxiety. Being a Marine wife (without having anxiety) is tough enough but adding that into the mix can make me feel so vulnerable and out of control at times. I know how tough it is. I’m really glad you guys are working through things and I pray that it becomes easier for you to open up to him over time. You guys have a lot of people rooting for you. :)
My husband and I were married for a year before he enlisted and now he has been in the corps for just over a year and is getting ready to deploy to Okinawa this fall. Oddly enough, I’ve decided to stay in our home, rather than move back to be with family. I think I need that more than anything. The reality of his leaving hasn’t sunk in yet so I’m still able to think rationally about it. We’ve had our share of problems, but anxiety has never really been one of them because we had the love and support of our friends, family, and church. Any time I feel like I’m about to panic in a situation, I grab my Bible and flip to Jeremiah 29:11-13, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ‘I will be found by you’, declares the Lord…” It reminds me that even though I feel totally out of control, my heavenly father is holding me securely in his hands. And then I pray that God open my eyes to see his plan for me, so that I’m not weighted down by the anxiety of not knowing. And it’s those times when I run to God in my weakness that I feel the most strong. I know that verse has helped me a lot as well as some other marine wives I know. Know that there are other wives out there who are having the same struggles as you and that we’re keeping you and your husband in our prayers!
Glad that the therapy is helping!
I totally identify with this. Anxiety is killer because it can be a manifestation of deeper problems, in my case trust issues and my own insecurities. I struggle with this every. single. day. I feel like I am constantly making sure I’m not getting consumed with these “little” concerns that grow into full blown anxiety attacks, a short temper, tears, and sleepless nights.
You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself! Seeing where you’re lacking is awesome and recognizing the areas in need of improvement is even better. I’m so happy therapy is helping you. I’ve been to therapy on and off over the last four years (since I’ve been married, ironic, I know) and I’ve read a LOT of books for school and off the clock to help me understand this better.
Don’t give up and don’t be discouraged! You are headed in the right direction. :)